NEDAwareness week: Perspectives on eating disorder recovery

Content warning: This blog contains language that pertains to eating disorders. Responses have been edited for length and clarity.

The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) is a non-profit organization that supports individuals struggling with disordered eating and eating disorders. Each year in February, the organization launches NEDAwareness week. They educate the public about the subjects mentioned earlier through interactive events like virtual webinars that supplement their year-round resources.

I spoke to five individuals of various backgrounds about their experience with disordered eating and recovery in light of this campaign. By sharing their experiences, I hope to highlight the meaningful lessons and wisdom obtained by these individuals through their recovery journeys. 

Identification: Swaha Sarkar, 16, is Indian and identifies as bisexual; Abbey Canavan, 17, is white; Eliana Freidman, 19, is white; Rebecca Vandermeyden, 24, is Canadian; Leah Linsin, 16, is Chinese and identifies as bisexual.

What eating disorder(s) did you have? 

Swaha Sarkar: I’m not sure whether it was anorexia or orthorexia or something else entirely, but it consisted of me skipping meals frequently, and when I would eat, it would be tiny portions, and I’d obsessively monitor my caloric intake. I was never formally diagnosed with an eating disorder.

Eliana Friedman: I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder. For me, it was restrictive and selective eating. It was usually the carbohydrate components of a meal that I would cut out. I would also constantly check myself out in mirrors when trying clothes on, and I obsessed over whether they were looser or tighter than the last time I put them on. 

Abbey Canavan: I struggled with bulimia and anorexia. I didn’t want to eat anything because I was scared when I discovered how many calories were in everything. My parents would force me to eat, and I would throw it up as soon as I could shortly after. 

Rebecca Vandermeyden: I struggled with anorexia and purging disorder. I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 15 years old and purging disorder when I was 20.

Leah Linsin: I was diagnosed with anorexia in seventh grade. I used to count my calories a lot, and I often said I wasn’t hungry when I was. I also occasionally felt “gross” while eating.  

What led to the onset of your eating disorder? What did your relationship with your body look like during that time?

SS: One of the main things that led to my eating disorder was being on social media all of the time and seeing people with “perfect” bodies and the glamorization of eating disorders. I would compare myself to others all the time. I knew that with things like my height or how my weight is distributed, it would be unrealistic to expect myself to look just like someone else, but I still felt that I should.  

EF: I think it started from seeing people promoting eating disorders, both in-person and online. People would make videos joking about their disordered eating habits, such as all they consume is coffee or tea. It was like a competition. I underwent a lot of negative self-talk during that time when eating or when watching other people eat. When my friends and I went out to eat, I would be like, “Well, they’re eating like that, so I should too.”

AC: I would say insecurity led to the development of my eating disorder. When I changed schools in seventh grade, I thought everyone was so much prettier than me. I wasn’t the beauty standard at my new school, so I did everything I could to be skinny. Eventually, I began to purge my food and self-harm, leading to depression.

RV: I was always the “bigger” kid growing up, and I knew that. Boys would say they would never date me because I had a belly, and I constantly tried to suck in my stomach to appear thinner so that people would like me. My relationship with my body during my eating disorder was terrible. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror without crying or get dressed without changing my clothes 100 times. I hid my body in baggy clothes so no one could see my body and make fun of me.

LL: I was already very self-conscious of myself because of my scars and appearance, and I became obsessed with staying “fit.” That obsession eventually turned into a desire to be skinny. Every time I looked at myself, I could always point out a flaw or an area with excess skin. Also, a medication I was on at the time suppressed my appetite, which didn’t help.

How did your experience affect you? 

SS: It’s obviously still hard for me to accept my body, and I struggle now and then to feel confident in myself. Sometimes I’ll look in the mirror, and I’ll still feel the way I felt at the peak of my eating disorder. 

EF: I honestly have a great relationship with my body now, but there’s still that automatic negative self-talk that I experience sometimes. But it’s pretty easy for me to recognize the detriment of that thinking at this point in my recovery. 

AC: I’m not super skinny anymore. After eating and retaining food regularly again, I had to learn to love myself in a bigger body. It taught me that I could love myself at any point in time. 

RV: My experience affected me so much and sometimes still does. I never went out with friends or to social events because I was so embarrassed by myself and what I looked like, and I was scared of all the food that was going to be there. I’ve been to the hospital a couple of times at my absolute lowest points, and coping with that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. An eating disorder sucks the life out of you. It kills your personality, your social life, and even tries to kill you.

LL: I am still very much affected by it, but not as much as before. Before, I would feel dizzy or sick due to lack of food, and I always declined food or never ate it. Now I regularly eat a full dinner, which is more than I would have been able to do before. 

What’s something you wish you could tell yourself about your eating disorder? 

SS: I wish I could have told myself that no matter how much weight I lost, I would never fully be satisfied with it. Looking like an Instagram model doesn’t somehow make someone happier. 

EF: I would tell myself that I’ve always looked great, and whatever I did was not going to change that. The thing is, there was no positive outcome. What’s the best thing that can happen if I lose X amount of weight, and I go through hell to do it? It’s not worth it. 

AC: I would want her to know that eating disorders have lasting effects; it’s not glamorous, and it can have the opposite effect of what you want it to have. 

RV: It will get better, so don’t give up on yourself. You are stronger than you think and stronger than this disorder, even though it doesn’t feel like it. You don’t have to be perfect — nobody is. There is only one of you in this world, and you don’t have to change your body to be happy with yourself. Recovery won’t be perfect all the time, but it will be worth it in the end.

AG: I wish I could tell myself to stop sabotaging myself and seek professional help. I would say to myself that even though I was struggling, to not suffer alone. I often believe people think that they would be shamed or put down for eating disorders because our media has twisted the definition of anorexia and bulimia so much. I would tell myself that my situation was valid and that my scars and imperfections make me who I am.

Who were some people, if any, who helped you on your journey to recover? 

SS: My friends were supportive when I talked about it with them, and they never made me feel ashamed or embarrassed of it. My parents also helped me. Even though they didn’t fully know about my eating disorder, they still realized that the habits I had were highly unhealthy, and they pushed me to start breaking those habits and develop more positive ones. 

EF: I realized how bad the food-related competition was among my friends and me. I start following people on social media that are very body-positive, pro-recovery, and mental health advocates — ordinary people, not celebrities or influencers. 

AC: My mom helped me a lot. She taught me how to love myself. She would tell me that she loved me no matter my size or what I looked like. My aunt helped me as well. We would go on walks throughout the neighborhood together every day, and it was lovely. I felt supported by her. 

RV: I am still in recovery every day. My family has been so supportive of helping me and sticking by my side no matter what. My friends, too, are always here to listen to me and give good advice or let me cry on their shoulders when I need to. They know how to make me smile, and they are patient and try to understand as much as they can. My co-workers are also very supportive, encouraging, and always here to help me. I have a great support system overall.

LL: The people who helped me the most were my best friends. They got me to eat more significant amounts of food slowly. I also went to a residential school for an extended period for my anorexia and other mental health issues. It was where I slowly started the process of weight restoration and started learning to accept what I looked like. 

What did the recovery process look like for you? What were the most challenging aspects of your recovery, and how did you handle them?

SS: The most challenging thing was getting over my fear of gaining weight. It was a struggle to break the habit of weighing myself for good. To do so, I put the scale away and tried to remind myself that the number I see doesn’t equate to my worth, and eventually, after not doing it for a while, I just stopped thinking about it. It was probably one of the most challenging things I’ve experienced, and even now, I’m still fighting the urge to fall back into my old habits. It’s steady progress. It took months, and I’m still going through it now, but it’s better than before, especially eating more. 

EF: As I found more and more content about how people were editing their pictures, I realized that many people I was idolizing were posting things that weren’t even real. Then I started unfollowing people whose posts would trigger me if they came up on my feed. I relapsed when I entered college because it was a whole different environment. Everyone was constantly weighing themselves, but I told myself that I would not do what they were doing. 

AC: I was hospitalized because I self-harmed, and my experiences in the hospital changed my perspective of the world. After that, the process of recovering was messy. Sometimes I still throw up when I feel uncomfortable or overate in one sitting, but I went on medication. It helped me stabilize my metabolism, which had slowed because of my bulimia. It wasn’t a linear process.

RV: Probably one of the hardest things right now that I am in recovery is how loud the eating disorder screams when you do something it doesn’t like, such as calory-dense foods. I learned to shut that off with the help of Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills. It helped get me out of some hard times. 

LL: The most challenging thing was looking in a mirror or checking a scale and saying to myself that I gained weight, that I looked bigger, or that I weighed too much. I told myself that I’m not perfect, and people might not think I’m “pretty,” but all that mattered was what I felt about myself. It was also that my medication made me not hungry. I was put off of it to help me gain the weight I needed to.  

What are the most significant changes you’ve noticed in yourself after recovery?

SS: Overall, I feel so much happier with myself, which I thought I honestly never would. I don’t have that constant burden of thinking about how many calories something has or how many meals I’ve eaten. 

EF: I would say the most significant change is that I’m being kinder to myself and picking up on negative self-talk, and not engaging with it. 

AC: I’m just happier overall. I now know that there are different types of beauty. I used to think it was important for people to see me as pretty, but now I’ve started valuing myself for more than just my physical appearance. 

RV: Some changes I’ve noticed during recovery right now is that I have more energy than I did deep in my eating disorder. Sometimes I am more willing to go out and do things instead of isolating myself in my room all night worrying about what I ate. I also have noticed I am more inclined to try foods I would never have eaten before because of my disorder. I can also admit that I like food without feeling guilty for saying that.

LL: I have gone back on my medication, and I notice my lack of hunger. But now, I make sure to eat enough throughout the day. I don’t stress too much about it. I have noticed that I now have more self-confidence. I rarely check my weight on my scale. I threw it out at the beginning of tenth grade. I am far from the end of recovery, but I am slowly getting there day by day.

Eating disorder recovery is a very personal process. No two people have the same experience. Risk factors for eating disorders vary from case to case. Biological, psychological, or sociocultural conditions can affect a recovery’s experience or symptoms. It is important to educate individuals about how to maintain a healthy relationship with food and identify and work through disordered eating habits if they occur.

These depictions illustrate how complicated the recovery process can be. Thank you to everyone who shared their experience with me. Your vulnerability and courage are greatly appreciated.