Quarantine and control: My eating disorder experience

Content warning: This blog contains language that pertains to eating disorders.

I always needed to be in control. At 14 years old, I intensely desired both academic and personal perfection. I laid out meticulous schedules, to-do lists, and obsessed over perfecting school work. The COVID-19 pandemic magnified my desire for control amidst an ever-changing world. I aspired to become a “better” version of myself, and this time at home was the perfect opportunity for me to achieve this goal.

Quarantine trapped me with thoughts of the desire to transform myself physically. It started with a “healthier” diet and increased amounts of exercise consisting of YouTube videos created by influencers like Chloe Ting. These behaviors gradually increased in severity, because I believed that I could do better than what I was doing at any given moment. I never felt thin enough, fit enough, or beautiful enough.

My parents soon realized that something was wrong, and although they weren’t sure what was happening, my yearly physical confirmed that I had an eating disorder, anorexia nervosa. While I put up a front that I had things under control and was getting better, I had never felt more scared. I needed help but I denied it. After a few weeks, my parents confronted me about going to the hospital as my condition was not improving. In that moment, the fear that I felt spilled out into tears.

I was hospitalized for a few weeks. I felt disappointed in myself that I let this voice in my head takeover, taking away the comfort of my home and weeks away from school. Hospitalization was frightening. I was constantly surrounded by the unfamiliar faces of doctors and nurses reminding me of the dire importance that I get better.

The battle against my eating disorder was difficult mentally, but there were physical blocks as well. I pushed myself to get better quickly and eat all the meals that were provided to me. My determination to heal led to tachycardia (an unusually fast heart rate) and refeeding syndrome which prolonged my hospitalization. Refeeding syndrome occurs when the body is severely malnourished and attempts to regain those nutrients back. The sudden rise in insulin from carbohydrates results in a shift from the body’s fat and protein sourced metabolism during its state of starvation. The body attempts to switch from a massive reduction in the rate of metabolism to abruptly processing these new nutrients. I wanted to get better as soon as I could, but I realized that too much too quickly could backfire.

My parents were my biggest supporters and my biggest motivators to recover. My dad never stopped visiting me despite having long work days, even bringing me treats and my favorite doughnut plant passionfruit and rose flower doughnuts for Valentine’s Day. My mom never once left my side on the sofa bed next to me, making sure I was well throughout the long nights and that I was not alone when I struggled with completing meals.

I was frustrated that my hospital stay wasn’t the end of my recovery. My parents convinced me to attend a virtual treatment program that included therapy sessions and nutritional counseling in a group setting after my inpatient treatment ended. That was the second scariest thing that I was tasked with during my recovery. I didn’t want to talk to these strangers about my experiences.

Making it past this mental block took a while, but it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I learned to share and talk about my experiences while being able to learn from so many people that shared similar experiences as me. I didn’t feel as alone anymore. I eventually completed the virtual program and was allowed to transition to a routine with an individual therapist and nutritionist.

Despite my progress, I failed to escape my eating disorder physically. It came back in two other forms: amenorrhea and osteopenia, two common side effects of eating disorders and malnutrition. Amenorrhea is the absence of menstruation due to a loss of body weight, nutrition, and the presence of hormonal changes. Osteopenia is a condition of bone loss and decreased bone mineral density that contributes to growth arrest and also heightened risk for fractures. As a result, I was constantly in and out of the doctors office, making sure that my hormone levels were increasing and that I was on the right track.

No one knew when my menstrual cycle would return to normalcy, but I finally got my period back a year later. My transition back into in-person high school was met with a hairline fracture when I joined the junior varsity soccer team. It angered and disappointed me that my eating disorder took away something that I enjoyed.

About two years into recovery, I feel that my eating disorder was one of the most difficult hurdles in my life, but that my recovery has been one of the most empowering experiences I’ve endured. The exposure to caring medical professionals, as well as the medical terms and conditions that I never knew existed grew my passion for biology and medicine. My recovery also strengthened me as a person. But, I am still making my way through this journey. I feel inspired to dismantle the unattainable standards that many in society have accepted.